My Blog

I woke up feeling weird today. I woke up pretty late too. I felt really bad, just like some days when you wake up feeling down for no apparent reason. Then when I start to think of what I did last night, guilt starts surfacing. I was playing a computer game until 5.00 a.m. I had a sumptuous supper and did not pay for it. Then, the thought of someone telling me that having frequent supper will make your belly bigger came into my mind. Not to mention the food I had was heavenly but deadly. Deadly when you are unaware that bad cholesterol are accumulating in your body. Not long after I got out of bed, I received a call from my friend. We were planning to meet another malaysian friend today at 6.00 pm in the city. The moment my mobile rang and my friend’s name appeared on the screen, I knew something bothersome was going to happen. I realized it is not because I dislike my friend who rang me. But, rather I just didn’t feel like traveling by train to the city just to meet this malaysian whom I do not know. I just spent the previous night fishing and I do not want to go out tonight. But, it’s funny because I feel obliged to go with him to meet this new person. I feel obligated because I should help this person who is a buddhist just like I am. Furthermore, he’s in a foreign country, I feel it is my responsibility to help him. Immediately I felt that conflict within myself. It’s always hard when you know what’s the right thing to do but it feels easier to not do it. Or do I really know?

Why is it sometimes we try to live to other people’s expectations? It’s really difficult sometimes when I try to meet others’ expectations, to compromise what I really want to make others happy. I always try to be a nice person that everyone will like. When I think about it deeply, I realized that I want to create a "good person" image. The "good person" image that I have learnt while growing up. When I bring this too far, everything becomes self-centered. It becomes ironic then when helping people is for the purpose of ‘constructing my ideal image’.

Well, fuck those expectations! Fuck it when I think I need to live to their expectations so that they will like me. Fuck it when I feel I need to be the ‘good boy that meets the expectations of others’. Why do I have to be so polite and considerate when I feel uncomfortable doing so. I realized that issue here is that I do not have the courage to live the life I want or be who I want to be.
I realized that life is made up of expectations. I will need to examine them and not forget what I really want. I realized that we cannot completely live without them either for we will also be selfish when we take it too far. Balance then is the key?
But, I know it’s always nobody’s fault. We always have power to decide how we want to feel. We also have the power to decide that nobody should affect how I want to feel. The challenge then is to know what I really want and keeping at it regardless of what happens.

Generally speaking, many malaysians nowadays are really engrossed in money making, more towards a materialistic kind of mind set. So, what’s the latest mobile phone model? what’s the latest tech stuffs? etc…of course i am only illustrating from the perspective of students. Perhaps, for working people or married people, what’s the next car that i want to buy? hey…did you see the latest model for Honda..? Well, of course, not everyone is like that. I dont deny that we need material satisfaction, we all need it to some extent, we need money to survive in such a high living cost society. What i am saying is that we need to be aware of the things that are happening around us.

From what i have observed, many of us are pretty selfish, we think so much of ourselves. For example: when you are enjoying your delicious nasi lemak during lunch time, people around you just need to smoke. Well, that’s ‘LUNCH’ for them, very nutritious indeed, you know, you can actually ‘LIVE’ longer if you have fags for your meals, that’s the reason why the government has increased the price for fags, because it’s more precious and health benefiting. Yea, right! I really dont get it why people need to exercise their lungs the WRONG way. I dont get it, i guess these people dont get it too, that’s why they are doing it too, lol…Ok, if you do really want to make your breath smell better, reduced sperm count, age faster (for females), at least be considerate, dont smoke where people are eating, as if you really want to share the nutritional benefits with others. Go somewhere else , like the smokers den or something with loads of fag-ends on the floor. Be considerate please, yes, also, remember there are Non-smoking signs around, dont ignore them please.

Oops, sidetracked a little…yes, we Malaysians need to think more, be more creative, more out of the box. Our country needs new ideas, better plans that benefit everyone. You know, when i was in KLIA, whoa, the facilities are world class, everything is superb, top-notch, im talking about designs, systems, structure. I came back from Sydney actually, and they were still using the conventional method, you know… stamping passports manually, keying in data into computer. Well, with the first class technology we have, mentality of malaysians are still far behind, not compatible with the technology we have, pretty ironic huh. We have it yet we dont. I am talking about moral values here, our personal conduct and how we treat others. People cut queues, litter when the dustbins are few feet away, waste food, waste resources. These thoughts came up when i was required to do a presentation for my Malaysian studies class about Vision 2020, 15 years away now.

Well, i dont really know why malaysians lack the first world mentality, perhaps due to upbringing or education. I reckon we need to learn and read more whether from first world countries or anything, be concern with things happening in our society, read the daily newspaper, think critically,  dont stop improving and learning till you die…haha. As malaysians, we are all responsible for our society, our country. Instead of complaining our country sucks, think what we can do to improve it, make other countries jealous of us. Dont be selfish, think of others, create a better future for our children, well, that’s creating value in our lives.